LOOKING FOR A BRIDGE

Self Portrait

2008-04-17T18:20:00.003+03:00

I've got a new toy. It's a free programme for image editing. I've been having a lot of fun exploring its possibilities. It's probably nothing special, but enough to keep me occupied:)

Today I started playing around with a picture of myself and ended up with this. Somehow I like it. You do the analysing;)

(Obviously I should be doing something completely different...but it's been a long day already and I needed a break)

Little Victories

2008-03-11T18:28:00.003+02:00

Last weekend I was teaching in a workshop on "spiritual gifts" (armolahjat, right?). I had 8 active and wonderful participants. It was fun, blessed and tiring.

The most surprising part was the feed-back. I'm not surprised at all to see God at work, He did some wonderful things during our weekend:) What did surprise me was the way people were describing me. The words used included: Warm, Inspiring, Wise, Convincing, Encouraging...

I'm quite touched by these wonderful words. It makes me think that God always does more through me than I can see. He has a way of making me feel blessed and loved.

My Colour

2008-02-03T09:42:00.000+02:00

you are darkviolet
#9400D3

Your dominant hues are blue and magenta. You're the one who goes to all the parties but doesn't quite fit in at every one... you know what you want, but are afraid of what the world might think of it. You're a little different and that's okay with them, and if you're smart it's okay with you too.

Your saturation level is very high - you are all about getting things done. The world may think you work too hard but you have a lot to show for it, and it keeps you going. You shouldn't be afraid to lead people, because if you're doing it, it'll be done right.

Your outlook on life is brighter than most people's. You like the idea of influencing things for the better and find hope in situations where others might give up. You're not exactly a bouncy sunshine but things in your world generally look up.

the spacefem.com html color quiz

I find it quite fitting:)

Concerning the sleep issues I've gotten some good advice and am trying to follow it. Thank you for the encouragement!

Again and Again

2008-01-29T16:40:00.000+02:00

I have six types of recurring dreams:

1. Dreams where different animals try to eat me (a bear most recently)
2. Dreams where I try to walk uphill, but it's too steep
3. Dreams with filthy and/or broken bathrooms
4. Dreams with little girls (doing many different things, quite often running away from me)
5. Dreams where I'm lost and can't find my way home (or can't find the right bus/train etc.)
6. Dreams where I'm at work and everything goes wrong (and nobody listens to me)

Yes, I have had trouble sleeping for months.
Yes, I am a Freudian field trip.

It's coming to a point where I don't want to go to bed anymore. My mind's too busy.

Fun, huh?

The Joy of Giving

2007-12-18T18:30:00.000+02:00

All wrapped up and nowhere to go! How many nights until Christmas?

Merry Christmas to everyone:)

"Joy to the world, the Lord is come. Let earth receive her King; Let every heart prepare Him room, and heaven and nature sing, and heaven and nature sing, and heaven, and heaven and nature sing!"

Pathetic!

2007-10-04T17:40:00.000+03:00

I'm a bit dissappointed... I would have thought I'd do better than this;)

34%

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Ps. The picture is a bit weird, but it says 34%.

Allmost in Sight

2007-09-28T13:41:00.000+03:00

Where do my tears come from?
Is it hormones (those little bastards) or the boy nextdoor, who called me fat?
I don't believe it's either.

This is where they come from:
To be alone on a busstop in the middle of unknown countryside and not know how to get home.
I miss my mom, I want a hug.
I miss so much that my arms ache with the need to touch.
And the sun, that old enemy, shines in the cloudless sky so brightly that I can find no shelter. No comfort.

What do you want from me?
I don't feel love, not even a glimpse of warmth.
My lips speak, but everything feels empty.
My insides are full of emptyness.
An empty echo that doesn't know how to miss.
That doesn't want anything more.

My pains just bounce undecidedly back and forth and bump into each other.
My fears take over and start to rule the desert as if it was a kingdom.

Where did you go? You, who were supposed to rule?
When did my king escape?
I did not notice a revolution.
Have you left, even if I have been on my knees begging for you to stay?
Have you left me alone to listen to these echos that have nothing to do with the truth anymore?

Has silence come so I would finally listen?

I am afraid.

You must embrace your pain. Does that go for fear as well?
I want to own it, as my pain is my pain.

But I insist that you come back.
Without you there will be no order in this chaos.
Only your words hold life in them.

I want to dare to need.
Dare to ask for help and support.

Give me beautiful words!

Even if they were empty, as long as they trickle down my back like milk.
I need it. Send your people to talk to me.

Talk to me about love.
______________________

PS. This is something I wrote over 2 years ago. I recently re-read it and felt like sharing: it's amazing how much can happen in two years!

Knitting Pattern Gorgeous

2007-08-19T21:49:00.001+03:00

Knitting is one of the things I like to do on my free time. I just finished the mittens I wanted to make to match the scarf I made last spring. Just wanted to share the result (the picture is a bit dark, but I think you can still get the idea). Both mittens and scarf are white.

I can't wait for autumn! Mittens and scarves and hats! I love autumn clothes.

Oh, and if you don't get the reference in the title... it's from the BBC comedy Coupling. I'm not going to explain, just watch the show;)

Boat Tripping (road tripping...get it?)

2007-08-13T19:52:00.000+03:00

Last week I did something traditionally finnish with my mum: we took a ferry to Tallinn (Estonia) and looked around the Old Town a bit. I've never been before and I really liked it! I love old buildings and the feel of old times.

The Old Town of Tallinn is really beautiful! Unfortunately a lot of it is in a rather bad condition and in need of repair. We were happy to see that they are repairing some of the old churches so I guess there's hope that it won't all just crumble into pieces.

I really liked the building on the right, even if it's probably not historical in any way. But it's lime green!:)

This is a part of the old defence wall surrounding the town. It said in a sign that the king ordered the building of these walls in the 14th century to protect the town from the attacks of pagans. We actually went inside and visited this bit of the wall including the towers. The one on the left is called the nun tower. The stairs looked pretty much like this:

And yes, they were as steep and dark and scary as they look! My thighs were aching after climbing up and down the steps. Those medieval people must have been pretty fit.

On the left is myself in the balcony of the defence wall. I loved that place!

And on the right a lovely cup of elixir of life in a cafe (it's earl gray in case you didn't know).

I actually fancy a cup right now, mmm:)

I really enjoyed myself. I always thought that Tallinn would just be a bunch of Finns behaving like idiots, but actually we didn't see any of that. Instead we saw a gorgeous sunset at the sea:

Things I love

2007-07-16T18:53:00.000+03:00

I love the wind on my face.
I love books. I love how they feel and smell. I love the sound they make when you open them for the first time. I love the way it feels to hold a book.
I love trees. I love the bark under my fingers and the shadows of trees on a forest path. I love the sound of wind blowing in the trees.
I love the sky. I love the shades of blue and purple and red mixed and mingled. I love the horizon that goes on forever.
I love a bright starry sky on a cold winter night.
I love the rain. I love the curtain of rain that makes everything look misty. I love the sound of rain on my window. I love the rain on my face. I love jumping over rain puddles.
I love the fall. I love the scenery where the colours have blended like in a watercolour. I love the darkness that lets you sleep peacefully. I love the cool air that you can breathe deeply. I love the rustle of yellow leaves on the pavement. I love piles of brown decading leaves at the side of the road.
I love the way the lamplight makes snow glisten. I love the sound of snow under my shoes.
I love the smell of mud. I love the smell of tar. I love the first warm day of spring when you can wear summer shoes.
I love the first day of school at fall. It smells like new clothes, fresh school books and chalk.
I love a cup of tea when I'm cold.
I love a blanket that you can wrap around you.
I love poems.
I love the opera.
I love the wrinkly faces of old people.
I love watching children play.
I love seeing an old coupple give each other a kiss.
I love hearing my friends laugh.
I love watching people do good things to each other.
I love being taken care of when I'm sick.
I love bringing people good news.
I love the sound of a train passing in the night.
I love being seen.
I love not having to take myself too seriously.
I love to dream.
I love dreams coming true.

Summer according to Saija

2007-07-05T20:00:00.000+03:00

It's July and I have one week left of my very first summer holiday. I'm not a summer person, but this year I found myself actually enjoying the sun shine. Might be because this is the first summer in 5 years when I'm not stuck in an office all the time. Here's a picture tour of my summer so far:

Working hard as you can see...making sure those 15-year-olds don't drown themselves.

Walking in woods. My favourite type of free time.

Mrs. Duckie and little Duckies. So cute!

My greatgrandmother's name in stone.

And my fascination with cemetaries continues...

Strawberries

2007-05-31T13:48:00.000+03:00

I have strawberries. They are a happy thing:)

Seriously though, I'm having the worst day. It's work stuff, ugly bug stuff, stress stuff...just a bad day. But I managed to cheer myself up by:

1. Buying 3 summer tops (retail therapy combined with necessary shopping)

2. Buying "the undomestic goddess" by Sophie Kinsella (light summer reading)

3. Eating chicken soup for lunch

4. Having strawberries for dessert

It's important to take care of yourself, especially when you are the only one doing it (besides God). Just a tip.

PS. Picture is not taken by me

Two Weddings and a Love Affair

2007-05-27T16:19:00.000+03:00

In May I have attended the weddings of two friends. Both were beautiful as the pictures below will prove to you. I wish God will bless both coupples in their new life together.

On the left is Tytti with her new husband. The wedding took place in Vaasa and it was mighty windy that day.

On the right is Jenni in a shower of rose petals. The wedding took place here in our home city, but at the countryside. There were cows on the way to the church!

I also want to share with you a personal love affair. I recently ordered an album from Amazon and have been listening to it non-stop ever since it arrived. The artist is called Brandi Carlile and you should check her out: www.brandicarlile.com.
My previous great crush was Jen Chapin (whose latest album I also just ordered). I recommend her as well: www.jenchapin.com

The sun is shining and Gilmore Girls starts in half an hour. I'm happy today.

Required Reading

2007-04-18T18:51:00.000+03:00

The other day I realized that even though I'm a complete book-addict I haven't written anything about books in this blog. So today I'm giving you a list of some books. Some of them are my favourites, some just books that have made me laugh, cry or think over the years (I've written these down in a little note book, that's how I remember). I'm also including some academic reading i.e. books that I had to read at Uni, but actually ended up enjoying.

Warning: I am not one of those "smart readers" who only read books that are of the highest quality. I'll read anything, if it means something to me or makes me laugh or entertains me or moves me in any way. Including comics (Don Rosa being my favourite).

Anyways...here are the books, in alphabetical order:

An Alien at St.Wilfred's by Adrian Plass - The best Christian book I have ever read

Anne of Green Gables (series) by L.M. Montgomery - I still remember how I cried when Walter died

Bridget Jones -books by Helen Fielding - Needs no explanation

Can You Keep a Secret? by Sophie Kinsella - Fun, Fun, Fun! And romantic too;)

The Case for Christ by Lee Strobel - A scientific approach to Jesus

Catch-22 by Joseph Heller - Such a bizarre story...

Dancing Skeletons. Life and Death in West Africa by Katherine A. Dettwyler - A good read for anyone interested in children and Africa

Daughter of Fortune (+sequal) by Isabel Allende - Made me want to travel to Chile

Earthsea trilogy by Ursula K. Le Guin - Adventures and magic and tragedy

Emily of New Moon (series) by L.M. Montgomery - Who doesn't love these books?

Harry Potter -books by J.K. Rowling - July is just around the corner!

Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy (series) by Douglas Adams - Hilarious all the way!

I was Amelia Earhart by Jane Mendelsohn - Completely fictional, but fascinating

Ivory Carver trilogy by Sue Harrison - Ancient Alaska..., do I need to say more?

Little Women (+ Sequals) by Louisa M. Alcott - Another girly classic

Lord of the Flies by William Golding - Pretty scary!

The Lord of the Rings trilogy by J.R.R. Tolkien - I lived in Middle Earth for weeks

Mister God, This Is Anna by Fynn - My goodness I loved this book! Everyone should read it! Seriously: go do it right now!

The Neverending Story by Michael Ende - Will make you re-think reality

Nisa: the Life and Works of a !Kung Woman by Marjorie Shostak - A fascinating biography!

Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen - Makes me think of Colin Firth, sadly...

Purity and Danger by Mary Douglas - A classic study

Purpose-Driven Life by Rick Warren - Encouragement and wisdom

Reflections on Fieldwork in Morocco by Paul Rabinow - Just simply interesting

Run Baby Run by Nicky Cruz - A must-read for anybody

Seven Brothers by Aleksis Kivi - I don't care what anybody says, I thought it was funny!

The Shopaholic series by Sophie Kinsella - Makes me laugh out loud

Snapshot (+sequals) by Andrew Taylor - Crimes and photography, very exciting when I was 15!

Snow Falling on Cedars by David Guterson - Book like a painting

The Sociology of Childhood by William A. Corsaro - Children are pretty amazing creatures

Stupid Cupid by Arabella Weir - Recommended if you are in need of a good laugh!

The Tripods trilogy by John Christopher - School reading...such adventures!

Wait till Helen comes by Mary Downing Hahn - Seriously scary! I still get chills just thinking about it!

The War Against the Poor. The Underclass and Antipoverty Policy by Herbert J. Gans - You'll never look at poverty in the same way again

Watership Down by Richard Adams - Love this book, just love it.

What Katy Did (+ Sequals) by Susan Coolidge - Clover was my favourite

Where the Heart Is by Billie Letts - A beautiful story. And I don't say that often.

Which Witch? by Eva Ibbotson - I read this at least 3 or 4 times when I was about 13

Winnie the Pooh by A.A. Milne - When we were Very Happy:)

Visual Anthropology. Photography as a Research Method by John Collier Jr. and Malcolm Collier - A new way of looking at things!

I could add a lot of books that haven't been translated into English...but I think I'll spare you. Let me know if you decide to read something, I would love to here your thoughts:)

Spring is here!

2007-04-16T15:37:00.000+03:00

Yesterday and today I photographed spring. Here's what it looked like:

Ps. The frog coupple scared me to death! I almost stepped on them...

No hat, but still...

2007-04-15T20:03:00.000+03:00

April 11th.

That's the day I became Master of Social Sciences. That's right, my friends, I have graduated! It feels a bit unreal, but I think it will sink in eventually. I am now a free woman! Free to do whatever I want on my free time, that is.

"I guess there's no special hat for a master's degree?", my mother asked. Sadly, no, but I still think it's pretty awesome:)

April Fools

2007-04-01T20:22:00.000+03:00

March is finally over! All around the world people are rejoicing! There shall be cake and strawberry juice for everyone!

If this doesn't sound familiar, you should move to my world: there's a big celebration today;) I've been a bit tired today and have a small headache (probably the result of spending yesterday watching Star Wars movies with friends), but despite that I'm very happy. The awful time we call March is gone. And Easter is just around the corner!

I went for a walk today, it was good. I listened to Creedence Clearwater Revival while walking and the lyrics just seemed to match my April mood (hence the title):

"Now, if I was a bricklayer, I wouldn't build just anything;
And if I was a ball player, I wouldn't play no second string.
And if I were some jew'lry, baby; Lord, I'd have to be a diamond ring.

If I were a secret, Lord, I never would be told.
If I were a jug of wine, Lord, my flavor would be old.
I could be most anything,
But it got to be twenty-four karat solid gold, oh."

(Lyrics to Penthouse Pauper)

Yeah, 'twas a good day:) May you all have a blessed Easter. The Christ has risen!

Loving God - Cool!

2007-03-14T16:22:00.000+02:00

For coupple of weeks I've been preparing a speech about God as creator and us as creation. It's about the relationship between us and the majesty and love of the Lord. I'm really excited about it! I also recieved an e-mail from a young girl. She asked me how I know that God really exists. She also told me that to her, God is a person who just wants to punish people.

All this makes me incredibly happy! I get to tell this girl about our loving God! And I get to tell a bunch of people about how much God really has done for us! This is the bestest job in the world!

Through everything I do, I want the cross of Jesus to be clear and visible. I want to see a time, when people come to God in great numbers. I want to see a revolution!

"For the revelation awaits an appointed time; it speaks of the end and will not prove false. Though it linger, wait for it; it will certainly come and will not delay." Hab.2:3

Gone Pink!

2007-03-05T16:59:00.000+02:00

Decided to change the layout...we're pink now:)

Facts of Life (10 of them to be exact)

2007-03-05T15:19:00.000+02:00

So, recently I was tagged by Karoliina to share 10 random facts/secrets about myself. I love these kinds of things! I just hope I can come up with 10 things...without revealing too much of my inner weirdness;)

1. Beginning with childhood stuff: I was seriously obsessed with barbies up until I was about 14. And when I say obsessed, I mean it. I have group pictures of my barbies and I can still remember most of their names, ages and jobs. I know their histories and personalities. For example: Carmen is a 12-year old who used to love mountain climbing. Unfortunately she had a terrible accident at the mountains and can't do that anymore (her head isn't attached to her body anymore, you see). She was never the same. For some reason, most of my barbies are missing a limb or two...but I got really good at using scotch tape!

2. I'm affraid of poisons and other stuff that isn't good for human beings. This was sadly proven at 8th grade chemistry class when I thought there was a gas leak. I panicked and ran out of the classroom. I regained my self-control quite fast, but was still the subject of ridicule for the rest of the day. I still prefer cleaning products that are poison-free.

3. As a child I had 3 imaginary friends: Little Saija, Edvard and Kiniki (I have no idea where the last name came from). They existed mostly to assist my alter ego, Super-Saija, at rescuing the world and protecting the innocent. Little Saija was the smartest of them and my right hand. Edvard and Kiniki usually just messed up everything and were more trouble than helpfull. Incidentally, Edvard is my younger brother's middle name. I also still suffer from superhero fantasies and hope to do my part at saving the world.

4. Related to number 3, I love books and movies about great adventures. When I first saw Robin Hood - Prince of Thieves (the one with Kevin Costner) I was living in Sherwood Forrest for months! I love that movie! I also had the movie poster on my wall for ages. It took me a long time to realize that contrary to what everyone kept telling me when I was growing up, adventures are a part of real life. My life is full of them! Because, really, would the God that invented Robin Hood give us a boring life? It's more than just existing, my friends!

5. Jean-Luc Picard is my favourite Star Trek captain. Yeah, I'm a Star Trek fan, have been ever since I saw my first episode. But I would't call myself a Trekkie. I don't own the outfit that is required;)

6. Eh...in an attempt to say something a little deeper I shall reveal that...I don't consider myself an especially deep person. I enjoy everyday things like watching birds fly over the roof tops and eating a good meal. I don't feel the need for philosophy, I prefer poetry.

7. At some point in my life I have wanted to become a singer, an actress, a hair-dresser, a speech therapist, a social worker, a pastor and a car mechanic. I'm pretty gratefull that most of those prayers recieved a No as an answer.

8. When I was younger I desperately wanted to be able to play an instrument. At present I can play the piano a bit (jut for my own pleasure) and the guitar even less. I don't much desire to be able to play anymore though. I've realized that I wouldn't be me if I could play something. And I rather enjoy being me:)

9. There are two people in my life who are more important than anyone else: My brothers. My elder brother is 8 years older than I am and was always a sort of surrogate father to me. He has been my source of wisdom, advice and handyman services over the years. My younger brother is 4 years my junior. We've had amazing fun together as we've played different games (that we usually invented ourselves). He's also my brother in Christ which unites us in a more special level. With him I've seen Hot Shots more times than probably is healthy, amongst other things;D

10. Ooh, the last one! OK... Hmm. I've never gotten a ticket for speeding, but I was once stopped by the police because they thought I was driving too slowly. Really, what's the hurry? Besides, it was icy that day, I swear.

Yay, this was fun:) I have no one to tag though...all my blog friends have done this already. But I'll remember this if some unsuspecting friend decides to start a blog!

Hah! I'm done!

2007-02-05T19:10:00.000+02:00

Just few minutes ago I sent my dissertation to the University. They are going to print it and publish it and evaluate it. I'm finally done with it! The only thing that remains to be done is a small exam where I answer a question about the dissertation (to make sure I know what I'm doing I suppose).

I'm going to graduate.

There it is. I find this all very hard to believe. After 6 and a half YEARS of hard (*cough*) work I'm actually going to graduate.

Hurray for me:)

Ps. This is in fact not my University, but the University of Tartu, Estonia. But it's a big, scary looking institution of education so it really makes no difference.

Labratory Talk

2007-01-11T00:26:00.000+02:00

Some time ago I had a dream where I was living in a large old house. The house was located in a small village by the main road and the villagers frequently came by to look at the house. The house was open for public because of its architecture etc. I had my own modern appartment upstairs, but nobody ever went there.

The dream started as a lot of people from the village had come to look at the house. Downstairs had a large library room and behind that an old labratory. The labratory had been out of use for years and no one had taken care of it. It was a mess and quite dirty as well. The labratory was a main interest amongst the visiting people. They hardly looked at the library, everyone was gathered at the labratory walking around, investigating. I think they were looking for something. Possibly there was a rumour that something had been hidden in there.

I was standing in the library looking at the people. I didn't want to go into the labratory, I never went there. I didn't believe in the rumours and couldn't understand what was so interesting about it anyway. It was just an old ugly room to me. I wanted to leave it alone. The behaviour of the people annoyed me. There was an entire beautiful library and whole house to look at and they gave all their attention to the labratory!

Now then...I've read that a house is the most common symbol of the self in dreams. That comes as no surprise to me. I often feel like this dream in real life. People think that they don't really know me until I've shared my deepest and darkest secrets with them. At the same time I'm worried that after they see the labratory, that is all they ever see. The way I see it, my painful parts are just a small part of me. The majority is like the library: beautiful and much more interesting. The good parts are what makes me me, I don't wish to be defined through my bad life experiences.

Isn't it funny how a deep and meaningful conversation usually means sharing your dissappointments and problems and sad stories? Why should it be any less deep and meaningful to share the good and the beautiful? This is not to say that our labratories aren't important and that we shouldn't talk about them. Let's just not forget that they are not everything. Don't let them be more than they are.

"I like it"

2007-01-03T22:45:00.000+02:00

I have been in my new job for 5 months now. I just returned from a New Year's trip to Lapland with about 60 students and young adults. We had fun!

During these past 5 months a lot of people have come to me asking how I like my job. Do I enjoy it? I never really know quite what to tell them. I usually end up just saying that yes, I do like my job.

To me, this seems like the wrong question. Whether I like my job or not is unimportant. This is not a matter of my personal enjoyment. Yes, I like my job. But I also liked my previous job as a social worker. The job was interesting and challenging and I liked my co-workers. I even got a bigger pay check than I do now!

What matters to me is the peace I have. The peace I didn't have before. As a social worker I was always restless. I always felt like I was in the wrong place wasting my life. Now I feel like I'm in the right place and I can just concentrate on my work. This is what I'm supposed to be doing, whether I like it or not. And because my God is good, I also happen to enjoy it:)

I hope this is clear to everyone now.

Regular Life

2006-12-08T15:03:00.000+02:00

I've listened to this song a lot lately...been feeling a bit down. This song just says it all. Have you ever had that feeling? That amazing and great things happen to everyone else when you're own life is just...regular?

Regular Life by Jen Chapin

This was a sad day
when the disappointment that was my shadow came into the sun
and he slapped me dull on the forehead
and he told me he had won

So I sink into my gentle home
the streets won't mind if they don't feel my heavy feet today
the bed's inclined to ask me back to stay

But if I stay
then I'll stay
so now I wonder
is there a method to quantify both pain and joy?
does mine hurt as bad as yours does?
does yours feel as good as mine?

And if you live in war
can you still keep score of the burdens like bodies piled at your door?
and the bodies that lost their chance to be more than bodies?
just bodies

What muffled meaning does it hold
to be told that your story is not the only one?
no
not the first nor the last not the best not the worst
you are cursed by a regular life

Gone with the wind

2006-11-20T15:52:00.000+02:00

So I've been a bit preoccupied. There was fall, then there was a snow storm and now it's suddenly March out there. I hate March, but I'll get over it when Christmas comes. Because I love Christmas! And here's a confession: I think the best part about waiting for Christmas are all the lovely Christmas catalogues the shops send me in mail. I just love them! So sparkly and happy and pretty. I want to live in the Stockman Christmas catalogue. Really, not kidding.

OK, other news. I love my job! Not every day is perfect, but I still have a strong feeling about being in the right place. I get to do things I enjoy doing, things I think I'm actually good at. There's lot to do and I've had to face a lot of challenges, but I feel I've managed quite well. Here's a pic of me teaching at our student's meeting (the topic is Holy Spirit, notice the spiffy power point presentation, which I didn't make myself):

Oh, I now have my very own digital camera, which I got for my birthday in July so I'll be able to share more pictures in my blog in the future:)

Apart from being busy working for God (yay!) I'm also struggling to finnish my studies. At the moment I'm hoping to graduate in January or early February. Keep your fingers crossed and say a prayer, if you like. I just had a week of from work to write my dissertation. To my surprise I was quite productive! So I'm feeling good about that one too:)

Winds of Change

2006-07-19T12:17:00.000+03:00

I have about four weeks left at my old job as a social worker. It's not too busy at the moment so I'm finding it really hard to concentrate. My mind is full of things that have to do with my new job and I would just like to focus on that. I think I'll have to try to convince myself that these four weeks will go fast...it's already Wednesday, after all....

Another thing that I should be thinking about is my dissertation. I haven't done anything about it for two months. I have promised myself that I will have 80 pages written by the time I start at my new job. The current page count is 55, so it's very doable. If only I could put my mind into it!

This autumn still seems a little surreal in my head. After six years of studying and working I will suddenly be doing something compeletely different. I keep thinking about the challenges I will have to face and things I will have to learn. Tiny little practical details bounce around in my thoughts and I have dozens of mental notes under the title "things to ask".

Change is inevitable. I don't think I'll be the same at the end of this year as I am now. So much will have happened around me and in me. I could be afraid, but I'm not. I believe that change is good. I pray that I could grow in this task that God has given me. I pray that I would fill my place and have as much strength and wisdom as I need. I pray that I could be more fully the person he has meant me to be.

It's a good thing that God always keeps his promises:

"I will instruct you and teach you in the way which you shall go. I will counsel you with my eye on you." Psalms 32:8

We have a visual

2006-07-05T19:50:00.000+03:00

My hands are shaking. I have seen the bridge. And it's beautiful!

It was confirmed today that I will serve God full-time starting in August. I will be working for a Christian organisation called Logos Ministries (Kansan Raamattuseura in Finnish) and my mission will be the students and young adults of Tampere.

On this day I'm living proof that dreams do come true. This is something I have dreamed of for almost ten years. And now it's finally time to live the promises. To breathe freely and be the person I have always been. The sense of fullfillment and joy is overwhelming. And at the same time I know that worries and disappointments will come and when they do, God will be as loyal as He is today.

The words of Robert Frost's poem tell it as it is:

I shall be telling this with a sigh somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood and I -
I took the one less travelled by,
And that has made all the difference.

I also want to share a coupple of pictures taken last fall on our alpha-course for students. This is something that will keep me busy this fall as well. Except it will be a part of my job:)

Above: Playing a game with concentration. Myself with the pigtails!

Below: Holy Communion at an outdoors chappel.

Let us pray

2006-06-08T17:54:00.000+03:00

This is a prayer I found at Rita's blog (http://savedbygrace.blogdrive.com). It really puts into words many of the feelings I'm going through right now. After reading it out loud I felt a lot more peaceful!

Dear Lord,
I thank You for this day. I thank You for my being able to see and to hear this morning. I'm blessed because You are a forgiving God and an understanding God. You have done so much for me and You keep on blessing me. Forgive me this day for everything I have done, said or thought that was not pleasing to you.

I ask now for Your forgiveness. Please keep me safe from all danger and harm. Help me to start this day with a new attitude and plenty of gratitude. Let me make the best of each and every day to clear my mind so that I can hear from You. Please broaden my mind that I can accept all things. Let me not whine and whimper over things I have no control over. And it's the best response when I'm pushed beyond my limits.

I know that when I can't pray, You listen to my heart. Continue to use me to do Your will. Continue to bless me that I may be a blessing to others. Keep me strong that I may help the weak... Keep me uplifted that I may have words of encouragement for others. I pray for those that are lost and can't find their way. I pray for those that are misjudged and misunderstood. I pray for those who don't know You intimately. I pray for those that don't believe.

But I thank you that I believe. I believe that God changes people and God changes things. I pray for all my sisters and brothers. For each and every family member in their households. I pray for peace, love and joy in their homes that they are out of debt and all their needs are met. I pray that every eye that reads this knows there is no problem, circumstance, or situation greater than God. Every battle is in Your hands for You to fight. I pray that these words be received into the hearts of every eye that sees them. In Jesus' name I pray.

Amen

Upside Down

2006-06-05T16:10:00.000+03:00

The past few weeks have been a time of confusion and surrealism. I find it very hard to concentrate on every day life when such huge things are about to happen. Or not. That's the source of all my most confusing feelings. I try not to get too excited even if my heart tells me to celebrate. I'm living in an inner conflict and it's starting to wear me out. I feel better knowing that in a coupple of weeks I will know for sure.

For a long time now I have felt that God is telling me "not yet". That is a very annoying answer when you are surrounded by people asking questions like "where do you see yourself in five years?". I just want to refer them to God and his ever-lasting yellow traffic light. Please ask the Lord! Maybe he will tell you what he's not telling me!

And now the yellow is suddenly changing into green. Faster than I expected, not in the way I expected. One day I say my prayer and expect to hear the usual "not yet". Instead I hear a very loud and clear "yes". And this is the question: Why am I now feeling so restless and confused?

This is what I have been waiting for and now that it's happened I don't know how to feel. Instead of being happy and confident I feel worried, insecure and small. And in secret I whisper the words I don't want anyone to hear:

I can't do this.

Sound familiar? Someone else has said the same thing: "I am nobody. How can I go to the king and bring the Israelites out of Egypt?" (Exodus 3:11). And God's answer to Moses was clear and simple: "I will be with you, and when you bring the people out of Egypt, you will worship me on this mountain. That will be the proof that I have sent you." (Exodus 3:12).

The trick is that the proof comes after the fact. Both Moses and myself have to go with our insecurities and worries. And in the middle of action, in the middle of challenges and in the middle of mission impossible God will prove his loyalty. It is by doing that faith becomes reality.

Tune for the day

2006-05-12T13:18:00.000+03:00

Jen Chapin is one of my favourite artists at the moment. Her song Numbers tells you exactly how I feel today (confused, if it's not obvious).

Numbers by Jen Chapin

don't want to leave a bed
with a warm body in it
but when the numbers come to flood my head
I have to float on behind
to the grind
of the phone calls
seven buttons
don't you see how fast I can go through a long list of shit to
do?
make out a big check
write a little letter
and put a sticky stamp on the post card that I send to you

then I wait, I wait to see, is there anybody out there?

I'm a hunchback, hunch
hunched over scribbled notes and numbers that I can't read
hunchback, hunch
hunched over a cheap piano that I can't really play
the other day though
I thought I might find
the kind of faith that could ease my mind
I thought I might learn
I thought I could try
to let a day go by
when I did not sabotage myself

dont wanna wait, I won't wait to see is there anybody out there?

sometimes the sun slides down
leaving stripes in the sky
and I watch my resignation fly away
and I say this is the last day
I'll let myself feel this way

then I wait, I wait to see, is there anybody out there?

All in the Family!

2006-04-10T09:50:00.000+03:00

Today I want to share some family pictures. They were taken at the first party of my niece, Sointu Aura Vellamo, whom you can see below with my mom. Isn't she a sweetheart?

This is another picture of Sointu, this time with her mother. Who is obviously my sister-in-law, the wife of my elder brother.

The young man in the next picture is my younger brother, Taneli. He' s so cute!:)

And finally my cousin, my god-daughter and her elder brother. My god-daughter turns 3 in June and is adorable. My cousin has the typical look of men in my family on his face...It's just agony to try to make them smile in photos!

Well, that's it. I wish I had some nice pictures of my dad and my elder brother, but sadly no. I'll add them some day. Right now I just wanted to add these pictures to remind me that I'm not alone in the world. I'm blessed with some of the most amazing (and difficult) people in the world and I thank the Lord for that every day.

All kinds of dreams

2006-04-07T17:03:00.000+03:00

"The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams."

The words of Eleanor Roosevelt. I've always had a very active and interesting life in my dreams. I'm known amongst my friends as the girl with the weird dreams. They are often filled with suspense, mystery, excitement and other James Bond themes. I love my dreams, but sometimes it seems like too much.

For the past two weeks I've had several of these dreams. It seems I'm running around the world all night every night. And every morning I wake up tired and confused. It might just be the spring. I hate spring. All the sun shine and warmth and water...the worst depression is over, but I'm still feeling a bit down. And the dreams aren't certainly making it any better!

Last night before I went to bed I asked God to not let me have any dreams. I just wanted to take a break. I feel like my brain never stops working and it wears me out. He answered me and I slept quite well. It was wonderful for a change.

I have other kinds of dreams as well. Day dreams. I dream about meaning. I wish that I could fill my place in this world. Those are the beautiful dreams Mrs. Roosevelt was talking about. And I like to think that those are the dreams that were given to us by God. They are not just any dreams. They are dreams that are meant to become reality.

A week ago I taught about Blessing to about 30 Christian students who had gathered to spend an evening together. I thought it went pretty well and the feedback has been awesome. I'm humbled by the fact that God has used me to speak to people. Teaching is something I really enjoy and it is a big part of my dreams of the future.

On this very day I feel like God is finally taking me somewhere. I've made some plans concerning next fall and even my dissertation seems to be going somewhere (55 pages, my friends!). Next fall I will be taking full responsibility for our alpha-course for students. It's our fourth one and I'm as excited as ever. I will have to learn many new things to fill my place, but I'm certain that this is a step to the direction I want to be going to.

The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams. The most important word in the sentence is believe. Believing is all about trust and obedience. One is useless without the other. Trusting God and obediently going where he tells you to go is the key to fulfilling your dreams. The important ones, of course.

Damage report 1.1

2006-02-28T21:56:00.000+02:00

Well, it's been a while. These have been mysterious times. I've felt like I have nothing to say and already started to regret ever starting this blog. Anyways, I'm back with a few thoughts about what on earth has been going on. I have some nice jazz on my CD player and am ready to go!

Things usually start somewhere. This one didn't. It just took me over little by little and one day I noticed I had forgotten who I was and what I wanted and why I had wanted what I previously wanted. So I've been through a very usual and familiar identity crisis. I tend to have those every now and again. But of course this one is bigger since it has to do with the meaning of my life. You know, how I'm going to spend the rest of my days on this planet.

I actually blame the people who participated in the evangelist conference in early February. Just week before that I was feeling pretty good about myself. I had just gotten some nice feedback from our church's young adults' pastor and was so sure that God had a plan for me. And that I knew what that plan was all about (that's the important part, of course).

So on to the evangelist conference. This was something I had really been looking forward to. I mean, spending a weekend with some Christian celebrities like Kalevi Lehtinen talking to them, getting to know them, amazing them with my talents and personality. And as you might guess by now, it was a complete disaster. Here's a quote from my notes:

"I am still afraid. I am afraid of my smallness, I am afraid of my insecurity and I am afraid of being a stranger. I am afraid of the Important and the Wise..."

And so my thoughts go on and on. I was utterly disappointed with myself. Why do I have to be so shy? I couldn't make myself talk to anybody, I couldn't even look them in the eye. How will I ever get the job I dream of if I can't talk to anybody? And an even more important question: how will I ever find a man?

This rant could go on forever, but I shall spare you and skip to the conclusion:

"My grace is all you need, for my power is greatest when you are weak."
2. Cor. 12:9 (Good news edition).

Isn't it annoying how God always makes you weak before giving you a task to perform? And then He fills you with his power. I'm hoping that this Word will become reality in few weeks when I should be teaching about Blessing to Christian students.

I think I'm recovering well from this upheaval. I still don't know where God is taking me, but at least I know that it's not my networking-skills that is taking me there. And that's a huge relief.

Here we go!

2006-01-24T11:44:00.000+02:00

My blog is now officially opened! I hope to use this as a medium for my thoughts on life, the universe and everything. But that can wait a while, because I think it's only polite to introduce myself first.

I'm a 24-year old University student who is hoping to graduate at Autumn 2006. Expect a lot of graduation anxiety. I'm single and live on my own in a lovely one-room appartment, which I call home. I have three plants, who are named Raimo, Tyyne and Alli. I also have a severe book-obsession, which might develop into financial problems in the future. Stay tuned...

I'm a Christian and Jesus is the most important person in my life. I'm hoping that this blog will also serve as a tool for discovery and growth. The title of this blog, looking for a bridge, refers to a poem I wrote when I was 17 (Oh, those innocent times!). I'm not going to translate the poem, but the point is that life is often like a dark forrest where you can't see very far. And when you're travelling fast your only option is to believe that there is a bridge over the ravine. Even if you can't see it right now. This is something I've been thinking about a lot lately so prepare yourselves for some serious philosophical ponderings.

I was inspired to start this blog by a good friend, Karoliina. Below is a picture with myself with the glasses, my friend Saara with the dots and Karoliina in the front. Thank you, dear, for always being as you are:)

And in order to introduce myself better: a picture from my house-warming party in August. I'm on the left and next to me is Eeva. And I'm not really that pale, it's all Eeva's fault for sitting next to me with that perfect tan of hers.

So here it is. My blog now exists as one of the many. We'll see what happens next.