Tune for the day

Jen Chapin is one of my favourite artists at the moment. Her song Numbers tells you exactly how I feel today (confused, if it's not obvious).

Numbers by Jen Chapin

don't want to leave a bed
with a warm body in it
but when the numbers come to flood my head
I have to float on behind
to the grind
of the phone calls
seven buttons
don't you see how fast I can go through a long list of shit to
do?
make out a big check
write a little letter
and put a sticky stamp on the post card that I send to you

then I wait, I wait to see, is there anybody out there?

I'm a hunchback, hunch
hunched over scribbled notes and numbers that I can't read
hunchback, hunch
hunched over a cheap piano that I can't really play
the other day though
I thought I might find
the kind of faith that could ease my mind
I thought I might learn
I thought I could try
to let a day go by
when I did not sabotage myself

dont wanna wait, I won't wait to see is there anybody out there?

sometimes the sun slides down
leaving stripes in the sky
and I watch my resignation fly away
and I say this is the last day
I'll let myself feel this way

then I wait, I wait to see, is there anybody out there?

All in the Family!

Today I want to share some family pictures. They were taken at the first party of my niece, Sointu Aura Vellamo, whom you can see below with my mom. Isn't she a sweetheart?

This is another picture of Sointu, this time with her mother. Who is obviously my sister-in-law, the wife of my elder brother.

The young man in the next picture is my younger brother, Taneli. He' s so cute!:)

And finally my cousin, my god-daughter and her elder brother. My god-daughter turns 3 in June and is adorable. My cousin has the typical look of men in my family on his face...It's just agony to try to make them smile in photos!

Well, that's it. I wish I had some nice pictures of my dad and my elder brother, but sadly no. I'll add them some day. Right now I just wanted to add these pictures to remind me that I'm not alone in the world. I'm blessed with some of the most amazing (and difficult) people in the world and I thank the Lord for that every day.

All kinds of dreams

"The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams."

The words of Eleanor Roosevelt. I've always had a very active and interesting life in my dreams. I'm known amongst my friends as the girl with the weird dreams. They are often filled with suspense, mystery, excitement and other James Bond themes. I love my dreams, but sometimes it seems like too much.

For the past two weeks I've had several of these dreams. It seems I'm running around the world all night every night. And every morning I wake up tired and confused. It might just be the spring. I hate spring. All the sun shine and warmth and water...the worst depression is over, but I'm still feeling a bit down. And the dreams aren't certainly making it any better!

Last night before I went to bed I asked God to not let me have any dreams. I just wanted to take a break. I feel like my brain never stops working and it wears me out. He answered me and I slept quite well. It was wonderful for a change.

I have other kinds of dreams as well. Day dreams. I dream about meaning. I wish that I could fill my place in this world. Those are the beautiful dreams Mrs. Roosevelt was talking about. And I like to think that those are the dreams that were given to us by God. They are not just any dreams. They are dreams that are meant to become reality.

A week ago I taught about Blessing to about 30 Christian students who had gathered to spend an evening together. I thought it went pretty well and the feedback has been awesome. I'm humbled by the fact that God has used me to speak to people. Teaching is something I really enjoy and it is a big part of my dreams of the future.

On this very day I feel like God is finally taking me somewhere. I've made some plans concerning next fall and even my dissertation seems to be going somewhere (55 pages, my friends!). Next fall I will be taking full responsibility for our alpha-course for students. It's our fourth one and I'm as excited as ever. I will have to learn many new things to fill my place, but I'm certain that this is a step to the direction I want to be going to.

The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams. The most important word in the sentence is believe. Believing is all about trust and obedience. One is useless without the other. Trusting God and obediently going where he tells you to go is the key to fulfilling your dreams. The important ones, of course.

Damage report 1.1

Well, it's been a while. These have been mysterious times. I've felt like I have nothing to say and already started to regret ever starting this blog. Anyways, I'm back with a few thoughts about what on earth has been going on. I have some nice jazz on my CD player and am ready to go!

Things usually start somewhere. This one didn't. It just took me over little by little and one day I noticed I had forgotten who I was and what I wanted and why I had wanted what I previously wanted. So I've been through a very usual and familiar identity crisis. I tend to have those every now and again. But of course this one is bigger since it has to do with the meaning of my life. You know, how I'm going to spend the rest of my days on this planet.

I actually blame the people who participated in the evangelist conference in early February. Just week before that I was feeling pretty good about myself. I had just gotten some nice feedback from our church's young adults' pastor and was so sure that God had a plan for me. And that I knew what that plan was all about (that's the important part, of course).

So on to the evangelist conference. This was something I had really been looking forward to. I mean, spending a weekend with some Christian celebrities like Kalevi Lehtinen talking to them, getting to know them, amazing them with my talents and personality. And as you might guess by now, it was a complete disaster. Here's a quote from my notes:

"I am still afraid. I am afraid of my smallness, I am afraid of my insecurity and I am afraid of being a stranger. I am afraid of the Important and the Wise..."

And so my thoughts go on and on. I was utterly disappointed with myself. Why do I have to be so shy? I couldn't make myself talk to anybody, I couldn't even look them in the eye. How will I ever get the job I dream of if I can't talk to anybody? And an even more important question: how will I ever find a man?

This rant could go on forever, but I shall spare you and skip to the conclusion:

"My grace is all you need, for my power is greatest when you are weak."
2. Cor. 12:9 (Good news edition).

Isn't it annoying how God always makes you weak before giving you a task to perform? And then He fills you with his power. I'm hoping that this Word will become reality in few weeks when I should be teaching about Blessing to Christian students.

I think I'm recovering well from this upheaval. I still don't know where God is taking me, but at least I know that it's not my networking-skills that is taking me there. And that's a huge relief.

Here we go!

My blog is now officially opened! I hope to use this as a medium for my thoughts on life, the universe and everything. But that can wait a while, because I think it's only polite to introduce myself first.

I'm a 24-year old University student who is hoping to graduate at Autumn 2006. Expect a lot of graduation anxiety. I'm single and live on my own in a lovely one-room appartment, which I call home. I have three plants, who are named Raimo, Tyyne and Alli. I also have a severe book-obsession, which might develop into financial problems in the future. Stay tuned...

I'm a Christian and Jesus is the most important person in my life. I'm hoping that this blog will also serve as a tool for discovery and growth. The title of this blog, looking for a bridge, refers to a poem I wrote when I was 17 (Oh, those innocent times!). I'm not going to translate the poem, but the point is that life is often like a dark forrest where you can't see very far. And when you're travelling fast your only option is to believe that there is a bridge over the ravine. Even if you can't see it right now. This is something I've been thinking about a lot lately so prepare yourselves for some serious philosophical ponderings.

I was inspired to start this blog by a good friend, Karoliina. Below is a picture with myself with the glasses, my friend Saara with the dots and Karoliina in the front. Thank you, dear, for always being as you are:)

And in order to introduce myself better: a picture from my house-warming party in August. I'm on the left and next to me is Eeva. And I'm not really that pale, it's all Eeva's fault for sitting next to me with that perfect tan of hers.

So here it is. My blog now exists as one of the many. We'll see what happens next.