Labratory Talk

Some time ago I had a dream where I was living in a large old house. The house was located in a small village by the main road and the villagers frequently came by to look at the house. The house was open for public because of its architecture etc. I had my own modern appartment upstairs, but nobody ever went there.

The dream started as a lot of people from the village had come to look at the house. Downstairs had a large library room and behind that an old labratory. The labratory had been out of use for years and no one had taken care of it. It was a mess and quite dirty as well. The labratory was a main interest amongst the visiting people. They hardly looked at the library, everyone was gathered at the labratory walking around, investigating. I think they were looking for something. Possibly there was a rumour that something had been hidden in there.

I was standing in the library looking at the people. I didn't want to go into the labratory, I never went there. I didn't believe in the rumours and couldn't understand what was so interesting about it anyway. It was just an old ugly room to me. I wanted to leave it alone. The behaviour of the people annoyed me. There was an entire beautiful library and whole house to look at and they gave all their attention to the labratory!

Now then...I've read that a house is the most common symbol of the self in dreams. That comes as no surprise to me. I often feel like this dream in real life. People think that they don't really know me until I've shared my deepest and darkest secrets with them. At the same time I'm worried that after they see the labratory, that is all they ever see. The way I see it, my painful parts are just a small part of me. The majority is like the library: beautiful and much more interesting. The good parts are what makes me me, I don't wish to be defined through my bad life experiences.

Isn't it funny how a deep and meaningful conversation usually means sharing your dissappointments and problems and sad stories? Why should it be any less deep and meaningful to share the good and the beautiful? This is not to say that our labratories aren't important and that we shouldn't talk about them. Let's just not forget that they are not everything. Don't let them be more than they are.

"I like it"

I have been in my new job for 5 months now. I just returned from a New Year's trip to Lapland with about 60 students and young adults. We had fun!

During these past 5 months a lot of people have come to me asking how I like my job. Do I enjoy it? I never really know quite what to tell them. I usually end up just saying that yes, I do like my job.

To me, this seems like the wrong question. Whether I like my job or not is unimportant. This is not a matter of my personal enjoyment. Yes, I like my job. But I also liked my previous job as a social worker. The job was interesting and challenging and I liked my co-workers. I even got a bigger pay check than I do now!

What matters to me is the peace I have. The peace I didn't have before. As a social worker I was always restless. I always felt like I was in the wrong place wasting my life. Now I feel like I'm in the right place and I can just concentrate on my work. This is what I'm supposed to be doing, whether I like it or not. And because my God is good, I also happen to enjoy it:)

I hope this is clear to everyone now.

Regular Life

I've listened to this song a lot lately...been feeling a bit down. This song just says it all. Have you ever had that feeling? That amazing and great things happen to everyone else when you're own life is just...regular?



Regular Life by Jen Chapin

This was a sad day
when the disappointment that was my shadow came into the sun
and he slapped me dull on the forehead
and he told me he had won

So I sink into my gentle home
the streets won't mind if they don't feel my heavy feet today
the bed's inclined to ask me back to stay

But if I stay
then I'll stay
so now I wonder
is there a method to quantify both pain and joy?
does mine hurt as bad as yours does?
does yours feel as good as mine?

And if you live in war
can you still keep score of the burdens like bodies piled at your door?
and the bodies that lost their chance to be more than bodies?
just bodies

What muffled meaning does it hold
to be told that your story is not the only one?
no
not the first nor the last not the best not the worst
you are cursed by a regular life

Gone with the wind

So I've been a bit preoccupied. There was fall, then there was a snow storm and now it's suddenly March out there. I hate March, but I'll get over it when Christmas comes. Because I love Christmas! And here's a confession: I think the best part about waiting for Christmas are all the lovely Christmas catalogues the shops send me in mail. I just love them! So sparkly and happy and pretty. I want to live in the Stockman Christmas catalogue. Really, not kidding.

OK, other news. I love my job! Not every day is perfect, but I still have a strong feeling about being in the right place. I get to do things I enjoy doing, things I think I'm actually good at. There's lot to do and I've had to face a lot of challenges, but I feel I've managed quite well. Here's a pic of me teaching at our student's meeting (the topic is Holy Spirit, notice the spiffy power point presentation, which I didn't make myself):

Oh, I now have my very own digital camera, which I got for my birthday in July so I'll be able to share more pictures in my blog in the future:)

Apart from being busy working for God (yay!) I'm also struggling to finnish my studies. At the moment I'm hoping to graduate in January or early February. Keep your fingers crossed and say a prayer, if you like. I just had a week of from work to write my dissertation. To my surprise I was quite productive! So I'm feeling good about that one too:)

Winds of Change

I have about four weeks left at my old job as a social worker. It's not too busy at the moment so I'm finding it really hard to concentrate. My mind is full of things that have to do with my new job and I would just like to focus on that. I think I'll have to try to convince myself that these four weeks will go fast...it's already Wednesday, after all....

Another thing that I should be thinking about is my dissertation. I haven't done anything about it for two months. I have promised myself that I will have 80 pages written by the time I start at my new job. The current page count is 55, so it's very doable. If only I could put my mind into it!

This autumn still seems a little surreal in my head. After six years of studying and working I will suddenly be doing something compeletely different. I keep thinking about the challenges I will have to face and things I will have to learn. Tiny little practical details bounce around in my thoughts and I have dozens of mental notes under the title "things to ask".

Change is inevitable. I don't think I'll be the same at the end of this year as I am now. So much will have happened around me and in me. I could be afraid, but I'm not. I believe that change is good. I pray that I could grow in this task that God has given me. I pray that I would fill my place and have as much strength and wisdom as I need. I pray that I could be more fully the person he has meant me to be.

It's a good thing that God always keeps his promises:

"I will instruct you and teach you in the way which you shall go. I will counsel you with my eye on you." Psalms 32:8

We have a visual

My hands are shaking. I have seen the bridge. And it's beautiful!

It was confirmed today that I will serve God full-time starting in August. I will be working for a Christian organisation called Logos Ministries (Kansan Raamattuseura in Finnish) and my mission will be the students and young adults of Tampere.

On this day I'm living proof that dreams do come true. This is something I have dreamed of for almost ten years. And now it's finally time to live the promises. To breathe freely and be the person I have always been. The sense of fullfillment and joy is overwhelming. And at the same time I know that worries and disappointments will come and when they do, God will be as loyal as He is today.

The words of Robert Frost's poem tell it as it is:

I shall be telling this with a sigh somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood and I -
I took the one less travelled by,
And that has made all the difference.

I also want to share a coupple of pictures taken last fall on our alpha-course for students. This is something that will keep me busy this fall as well. Except it will be a part of my job:)

Above: Playing a game with concentration. Myself with the pigtails!

Below: Holy Communion at an outdoors chappel.

Let us pray

This is a prayer I found at Rita's blog (http://savedbygrace.blogdrive.com). It really puts into words many of the feelings I'm going through right now. After reading it out loud I felt a lot more peaceful!



Dear Lord,
I thank You for this day. I thank You for my being able to see and to hear this morning. I'm blessed because You are a forgiving God and an understanding God. You have done so much for me and You keep on blessing me. Forgive me this day for everything I have done, said or thought that was not pleasing to you.

I ask now for Your forgiveness. Please keep me safe from all danger and harm. Help me to start this day with a new attitude and plenty of gratitude. Let me make the best of each and every day to clear my mind so that I can hear from You. Please broaden my mind that I can accept all things. Let me not whine and whimper over things I have no control over. And it's the best response when I'm pushed beyond my limits.

I know that when I can't pray, You listen to my heart. Continue to use me to do Your will. Continue to bless me that I may be a blessing to others. Keep me strong that I may help the weak... Keep me uplifted that I may have words of encouragement for others. I pray for those that are lost and can't find their way. I pray for those that are misjudged and misunderstood. I pray for those who don't know You intimately. I pray for those that don't believe.

But I thank you that I believe. I believe that God changes people and God changes things. I pray for all my sisters and brothers. For each and every family member in their households. I pray for peace, love and joy in their homes that they are out of debt and all their needs are met. I pray that every eye that reads this knows there is no problem, circumstance, or situation greater than God. Every battle is in Your hands for You to fight. I pray that these words be received into the hearts of every eye that sees them. In Jesus' name I pray.

Amen

Upside Down

The past few weeks have been a time of confusion and surrealism. I find it very hard to concentrate on every day life when such huge things are about to happen. Or not. That's the source of all my most confusing feelings. I try not to get too excited even if my heart tells me to celebrate. I'm living in an inner conflict and it's starting to wear me out. I feel better knowing that in a coupple of weeks I will know for sure.

For a long time now I have felt that God is telling me "not yet". That is a very annoying answer when you are surrounded by people asking questions like "where do you see yourself in five years?". I just want to refer them to God and his ever-lasting yellow traffic light. Please ask the Lord! Maybe he will tell you what he's not telling me!

And now the yellow is suddenly changing into green. Faster than I expected, not in the way I expected. One day I say my prayer and expect to hear the usual "not yet". Instead I hear a very loud and clear "yes". And this is the question: Why am I now feeling so restless and confused?

This is what I have been waiting for and now that it's happened I don't know how to feel. Instead of being happy and confident I feel worried, insecure and small. And in secret I whisper the words I don't want anyone to hear:

I can't do this.

Sound familiar? Someone else has said the same thing: "I am nobody. How can I go to the king and bring the Israelites out of Egypt?" (Exodus 3:11). And God's answer to Moses was clear and simple: "I will be with you, and when you bring the people out of Egypt, you will worship me on this mountain. That will be the proof that I have sent you." (Exodus 3:12).

The trick is that the proof comes after the fact. Both Moses and myself have to go with our insecurities and worries. And in the middle of action, in the middle of challenges and in the middle of mission impossible God will prove his loyalty. It is by doing that faith becomes reality.

Tune for the day

Jen Chapin is one of my favourite artists at the moment. Her song Numbers tells you exactly how I feel today (confused, if it's not obvious).

Numbers by Jen Chapin

don't want to leave a bed
with a warm body in it
but when the numbers come to flood my head
I have to float on behind
to the grind
of the phone calls
seven buttons
don't you see how fast I can go through a long list of shit to
do?
make out a big check
write a little letter
and put a sticky stamp on the post card that I send to you

then I wait, I wait to see, is there anybody out there?

I'm a hunchback, hunch
hunched over scribbled notes and numbers that I can't read
hunchback, hunch
hunched over a cheap piano that I can't really play
the other day though
I thought I might find
the kind of faith that could ease my mind
I thought I might learn
I thought I could try
to let a day go by
when I did not sabotage myself

dont wanna wait, I won't wait to see is there anybody out there?

sometimes the sun slides down
leaving stripes in the sky
and I watch my resignation fly away
and I say this is the last day
I'll let myself feel this way

then I wait, I wait to see, is there anybody out there?

All in the Family!

Today I want to share some family pictures. They were taken at the first party of my niece, Sointu Aura Vellamo, whom you can see below with my mom. Isn't she a sweetheart?

This is another picture of Sointu, this time with her mother. Who is obviously my sister-in-law, the wife of my elder brother.

The young man in the next picture is my younger brother, Taneli. He' s so cute!:)

And finally my cousin, my god-daughter and her elder brother. My god-daughter turns 3 in June and is adorable. My cousin has the typical look of men in my family on his face...It's just agony to try to make them smile in photos!

Well, that's it. I wish I had some nice pictures of my dad and my elder brother, but sadly no. I'll add them some day. Right now I just wanted to add these pictures to remind me that I'm not alone in the world. I'm blessed with some of the most amazing (and difficult) people in the world and I thank the Lord for that every day.

All kinds of dreams

"The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams."

The words of Eleanor Roosevelt. I've always had a very active and interesting life in my dreams. I'm known amongst my friends as the girl with the weird dreams. They are often filled with suspense, mystery, excitement and other James Bond themes. I love my dreams, but sometimes it seems like too much.

For the past two weeks I've had several of these dreams. It seems I'm running around the world all night every night. And every morning I wake up tired and confused. It might just be the spring. I hate spring. All the sun shine and warmth and water...the worst depression is over, but I'm still feeling a bit down. And the dreams aren't certainly making it any better!

Last night before I went to bed I asked God to not let me have any dreams. I just wanted to take a break. I feel like my brain never stops working and it wears me out. He answered me and I slept quite well. It was wonderful for a change.

I have other kinds of dreams as well. Day dreams. I dream about meaning. I wish that I could fill my place in this world. Those are the beautiful dreams Mrs. Roosevelt was talking about. And I like to think that those are the dreams that were given to us by God. They are not just any dreams. They are dreams that are meant to become reality.

A week ago I taught about Blessing to about 30 Christian students who had gathered to spend an evening together. I thought it went pretty well and the feedback has been awesome. I'm humbled by the fact that God has used me to speak to people. Teaching is something I really enjoy and it is a big part of my dreams of the future.

On this very day I feel like God is finally taking me somewhere. I've made some plans concerning next fall and even my dissertation seems to be going somewhere (55 pages, my friends!). Next fall I will be taking full responsibility for our alpha-course for students. It's our fourth one and I'm as excited as ever. I will have to learn many new things to fill my place, but I'm certain that this is a step to the direction I want to be going to.

The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams. The most important word in the sentence is believe. Believing is all about trust and obedience. One is useless without the other. Trusting God and obediently going where he tells you to go is the key to fulfilling your dreams. The important ones, of course.

Damage report 1.1

Well, it's been a while. These have been mysterious times. I've felt like I have nothing to say and already started to regret ever starting this blog. Anyways, I'm back with a few thoughts about what on earth has been going on. I have some nice jazz on my CD player and am ready to go!

Things usually start somewhere. This one didn't. It just took me over little by little and one day I noticed I had forgotten who I was and what I wanted and why I had wanted what I previously wanted. So I've been through a very usual and familiar identity crisis. I tend to have those every now and again. But of course this one is bigger since it has to do with the meaning of my life. You know, how I'm going to spend the rest of my days on this planet.

I actually blame the people who participated in the evangelist conference in early February. Just week before that I was feeling pretty good about myself. I had just gotten some nice feedback from our church's young adults' pastor and was so sure that God had a plan for me. And that I knew what that plan was all about (that's the important part, of course).

So on to the evangelist conference. This was something I had really been looking forward to. I mean, spending a weekend with some Christian celebrities like Kalevi Lehtinen talking to them, getting to know them, amazing them with my talents and personality. And as you might guess by now, it was a complete disaster. Here's a quote from my notes:

"I am still afraid. I am afraid of my smallness, I am afraid of my insecurity and I am afraid of being a stranger. I am afraid of the Important and the Wise..."

And so my thoughts go on and on. I was utterly disappointed with myself. Why do I have to be so shy? I couldn't make myself talk to anybody, I couldn't even look them in the eye. How will I ever get the job I dream of if I can't talk to anybody? And an even more important question: how will I ever find a man?

This rant could go on forever, but I shall spare you and skip to the conclusion:

"My grace is all you need, for my power is greatest when you are weak."
2. Cor. 12:9 (Good news edition).

Isn't it annoying how God always makes you weak before giving you a task to perform? And then He fills you with his power. I'm hoping that this Word will become reality in few weeks when I should be teaching about Blessing to Christian students.

I think I'm recovering well from this upheaval. I still don't know where God is taking me, but at least I know that it's not my networking-skills that is taking me there. And that's a huge relief.

Here we go!

My blog is now officially opened! I hope to use this as a medium for my thoughts on life, the universe and everything. But that can wait a while, because I think it's only polite to introduce myself first.

I'm a 24-year old University student who is hoping to graduate at Autumn 2006. Expect a lot of graduation anxiety. I'm single and live on my own in a lovely one-room appartment, which I call home. I have three plants, who are named Raimo, Tyyne and Alli. I also have a severe book-obsession, which might develop into financial problems in the future. Stay tuned...

I'm a Christian and Jesus is the most important person in my life. I'm hoping that this blog will also serve as a tool for discovery and growth. The title of this blog, looking for a bridge, refers to a poem I wrote when I was 17 (Oh, those innocent times!). I'm not going to translate the poem, but the point is that life is often like a dark forrest where you can't see very far. And when you're travelling fast your only option is to believe that there is a bridge over the ravine. Even if you can't see it right now. This is something I've been thinking about a lot lately so prepare yourselves for some serious philosophical ponderings.

I was inspired to start this blog by a good friend, Karoliina. Below is a picture with myself with the glasses, my friend Saara with the dots and Karoliina in the front. Thank you, dear, for always being as you are:)

And in order to introduce myself better: a picture from my house-warming party in August. I'm on the left and next to me is Eeva. And I'm not really that pale, it's all Eeva's fault for sitting next to me with that perfect tan of hers.

So here it is. My blog now exists as one of the many. We'll see what happens next.