Upside Down

The past few weeks have been a time of confusion and surrealism. I find it very hard to concentrate on every day life when such huge things are about to happen. Or not. That's the source of all my most confusing feelings. I try not to get too excited even if my heart tells me to celebrate. I'm living in an inner conflict and it's starting to wear me out. I feel better knowing that in a coupple of weeks I will know for sure.

For a long time now I have felt that God is telling me "not yet". That is a very annoying answer when you are surrounded by people asking questions like "where do you see yourself in five years?". I just want to refer them to God and his ever-lasting yellow traffic light. Please ask the Lord! Maybe he will tell you what he's not telling me!

And now the yellow is suddenly changing into green. Faster than I expected, not in the way I expected. One day I say my prayer and expect to hear the usual "not yet". Instead I hear a very loud and clear "yes". And this is the question: Why am I now feeling so restless and confused?

This is what I have been waiting for and now that it's happened I don't know how to feel. Instead of being happy and confident I feel worried, insecure and small. And in secret I whisper the words I don't want anyone to hear:

I can't do this.

Sound familiar? Someone else has said the same thing: "I am nobody. How can I go to the king and bring the Israelites out of Egypt?" (Exodus 3:11). And God's answer to Moses was clear and simple: "I will be with you, and when you bring the people out of Egypt, you will worship me on this mountain. That will be the proof that I have sent you." (Exodus 3:12).

The trick is that the proof comes after the fact. Both Moses and myself have to go with our insecurities and worries. And in the middle of action, in the middle of challenges and in the middle of mission impossible God will prove his loyalty. It is by doing that faith becomes reality.