Damage report 1.1

Well, it's been a while. These have been mysterious times. I've felt like I have nothing to say and already started to regret ever starting this blog. Anyways, I'm back with a few thoughts about what on earth has been going on. I have some nice jazz on my CD player and am ready to go!

Things usually start somewhere. This one didn't. It just took me over little by little and one day I noticed I had forgotten who I was and what I wanted and why I had wanted what I previously wanted. So I've been through a very usual and familiar identity crisis. I tend to have those every now and again. But of course this one is bigger since it has to do with the meaning of my life. You know, how I'm going to spend the rest of my days on this planet.

I actually blame the people who participated in the evangelist conference in early February. Just week before that I was feeling pretty good about myself. I had just gotten some nice feedback from our church's young adults' pastor and was so sure that God had a plan for me. And that I knew what that plan was all about (that's the important part, of course).

So on to the evangelist conference. This was something I had really been looking forward to. I mean, spending a weekend with some Christian celebrities like Kalevi Lehtinen talking to them, getting to know them, amazing them with my talents and personality. And as you might guess by now, it was a complete disaster. Here's a quote from my notes:

"I am still afraid. I am afraid of my smallness, I am afraid of my insecurity and I am afraid of being a stranger. I am afraid of the Important and the Wise..."

And so my thoughts go on and on. I was utterly disappointed with myself. Why do I have to be so shy? I couldn't make myself talk to anybody, I couldn't even look them in the eye. How will I ever get the job I dream of if I can't talk to anybody? And an even more important question: how will I ever find a man?

This rant could go on forever, but I shall spare you and skip to the conclusion:

"My grace is all you need, for my power is greatest when you are weak."
2. Cor. 12:9 (Good news edition).

Isn't it annoying how God always makes you weak before giving you a task to perform? And then He fills you with his power. I'm hoping that this Word will become reality in few weeks when I should be teaching about Blessing to Christian students.

I think I'm recovering well from this upheaval. I still don't know where God is taking me, but at least I know that it's not my networking-skills that is taking me there. And that's a huge relief.